Giving Vs. Receiving Love

Giving Vs. Receiving Love

Picture this: one of the greatest misconceptions in relationships is the whole idea of “giving love.” You know, like that book “Love Languages” that made a splash and is still circulating today, attempting to decipher how people love. Well, it’s one of those well-meaning books that miss the fundamental essence of love and belonging, which is crucial for love to even exist, let alone “speaking a language.” Heck, even the Bible tells us to “give love.” You see, my company Ahava/Ah-ha takes its name from the Hebrew word “to give love.” So, giving love has become the catchphrase of our times, as if it’s our human duty to bestow love upon others… but hold up, that’s practically impossible.

The thing is, the notion of giving love assumes that you’re brimming with love yourself. Now, don’t get me wrong, unconditional love is our birthright, freely given to each one of us. BUT… yes, there’s always a “but” in these matters… we can only truly grasp and embrace that love when we’ve healed our core root pain and recognize that we are already filled with love. Those humans who come into our lives for various reasons can certainly show us, love, if they choose to, but they can’t give us something that’s already inherently ours. Showing love is something that healed souls can do because they want to, without any expectations or hidden agendas. On the other hand, giving love often comes with strings attached, entangled in a web of codependency and loaded with expectations.

“The Five Love Languages”

This is precisely why “The Five Love Languages” missed the mark. Sure, a healed person who genuinely wants to show love, they might do so in the ways described in the book. BUT… here comes another “but”… in an unhealed person, it’s more about manipulation, attempting to “get love” rather than truly showing it. You see, showing love should flow freely in countless ways because a person who’s full of love doesn’t hold back, and they had that love even before you showed up in their life. You being part of their world, enjoying them, and exchanging love with them is just icing on the cake. There’s no hidden agenda, no need for control, and no expectations tied to giving and receiving love. But alas, most relationships go seriously sideways when this critical piece is overlooked.

When love is seen as “giving,” it often comes with many expectations. It’s like saying, “Look at what I’ve given you, now you must love me in return.” But guess what? They can’t. An unhealed person will use the concept of “giving love” as a tactic, not as an authentic expression. It’s not freely given, especially for those who haven’t healed their early emotional wounds. So let’s use the Five Love Languages as an example of how things can go awry in relationships. Take the love language of “giving gifts,” for instance. A person may think that’s how they show love because it worked for them before. But is it truly who they are?

You see, in codependency, people adopt roles they learned as children to cope with pain. These roles often lie buried in the subconscious, playing out repetitively as external ways to “receive love and belonging.” It’s like they’re manipulating and controlling situations to avoid feeling pain, rejection, and more pain. It’s an old pattern of behaviour etched into their being, but then comes along a book, and we think it’s the ultimate guide to giving and receiving love. But that’s far from the truth.

So, in the beginning, codependents are drawn to each other like moths to a flame because they seem to have something the other needs or wants, and they shower you with love based on those deep-seated, subconscious addictions stemming from pain. That “gift” may just be a cunning manipulation to trap you in their love web, making it hard for you to escape. At first, you might love the attention, feeling like you’re in heaven… but like any drug, that feeling wears off. And then where does the relationship go? It often spirals into bickering and fighting because that so-called “giving love” was conditional, built upon codependent patterns to control love. It’s limited and destined for failure.

In a healed person, showing love is effortless, fluid, and diverse. Some days, it may manifest through gifts, other days through acts of service, or maybe not at all — and that’s okay. You don’t need someone else to give you love because you already have it within you. But they can show you love in countless ways if they genuinely choose to do so. The moment it becomes an expectation, the moment it becomes conditional — like saying, “Look at all I’ve done for you, and you don’t appreciate it” — that’s when you’ve fallen into the trap of a codependent spiral of conditional love. It’s doomed to fail because love doesn’t have languages or conditions; it’s purely and wholly within you. So, if you choose to show love, get creative, have fun, and do what feels right to cherish the other person. No conditions. No expectations. Just love.