How to Know Your Partner Loves You?

They love me, they love me not.

Every little child, at one point, may have plucked daisies to discover if they loved them. When the magic 8 ball arrived, we would pray super hard and wish for the love to be true. Our birthday candle-blowing often ended with counting how many boyfriends or girlfriends we had. Our endless pursuit to understand if we are loved is one for the ages. We read books like “He’s Just Not That into You,” hoping none of the telltale signs applied to our relationships. Our agonizing questions all came down to one:

How do you know if they are in love with you?

Over the last many decades, like many, I too agonized and grew increasingly annoyed with the pursuit of this question. Often perplexed as to why we are set on this path of unknowing, doubt, and desperation. Love should be easy to spot… shouldn’t it? Over the last 30 years, I studied emotional pain. It began as a personal journey of self-discovery to get to the core root of why we are the way we are. When I was a child, my father left my mother for another woman and his addiction. It was the single most jarring moment in my life. I was 6 years old when my dad returned to our house to deliver the news after an absence. He told me I had a new family and he was leaving my mother. My mother was utterly destroyed, and for the next 10 years, I watched my mother pursue finding a husband. She was from the generation that believed women did not have an identity unless they were married. In the 80s, they formed a group called Parents Without Partners, with single dances and events for kids. Basically, it was Tinder in the old school, all for divorced parents with kids.

During this time, I would sit at the table with all these newly divorced women (and a few dads), but mostly women, agonizing over the loss of their partners. Many of the mothers had been betrayed by their partners. My mother had the double whammy of an addict and an adulterer. These moments really shaped my own perception of how they viewed love. Several years later, after many boyfriends had come and gone for my mother, she fell in love… deeply. He was newly divorced (his wife had left him), and he was very kind, very different from my father. My mother was over the moon, and I could see, even as a 12-year-old, that she was a lot more committed to this relationship and ready for it to be “the one.” He, on the other hand, was my mom’s first relationship after the ending of his marriage. He had healing to do.

One short year later, he left my mom, and I watched her spiral. It was devastating as a teenager. She would drive by his house, and I could see the desperate longing in her heart. She would cry herself to sleep almost every night. She believed he was “the one.”

About 3 years later, she settled for a man who was just not good for her, but she said she was too old to keep trying. My mom was 47 and had given up on the pursuit of true love. She settled. Then, about 13 years later, she came home, and he was gone… met a woman online, and we never saw him again. My mom, at 60 years old, vowed never to date ever, ever again. She said, “All men are bastards.” She is now 80 years old, and she has stayed true to her word. She never gave love another shot, and it has always saddened me that these three men who broke her heart meant that she would never try again for great love, as she truly deserves it. Sadly, her wounds are deep, and she never pursued love again.

My commitment to understanding love

My commitment to understanding love, relationships, and our healing has been a 30-year journey for me. I believe in love. Great love is magical. Yet, I have equally discovered that great love is only possible when we learn to dive inward and learn to love ourselves. I would never be the woman in a car driving by someone’s house hoping they would come back. I would never give up on love after a broken heart. I became so focused on understanding every part of our wounded heart and our relationship addictions that I wrote this whole theory to get to the bottom of it.

The real truth on asking the question of whether they love you.

If you are asking the question, if you are seeking the clues, if you are driving by their house wondering if they are thinking of you, the answer is: It is most likely not love. Love is clear. Love is pure. It is a feeling of certainty. It is not something another person gives you. You already have all the love you need inside yourself. You are enough just as you are, just in your breath. When a person chooses, and you choose to spend time with them, commitment, love happens naturally, like our breath. We do not stop and ask… “Am I breathing?” No, we do not ask that… like ever… asking if he/she/they love you… it is not the right question. The right question is, do you know that you are loved by breath… unconditionally… just by showing up.

My mother gave up on love. I married, then divorced. After that painful divorce and with two little girls in the mix, I dove in to get to the bottom of the question. After a long, painful healing process, I called love home to me. When my internal self-love healed, I hit the reservoir of unconditional love within myself… then I met my partner, Matthew. He is a great love and a confirmation of what was already bestowed upon me at birth, as it is for you too. Discover your internal great love, and love will find you. You will never ask again if you are loved.